Tempting Fate a.k.a Driving in Thailand

Thank you all for your positive feedback - -

As far as your questions are concerned, I'll try to answer some of them here.

There seems to be an interest in traffic on the part of readers. Maybe that's because so many of my clients live in the Los Angeles, CA area.

Los Angeles has become the road rage capital of the world. Well, let me assure you that if Thailand were not primarily a Buddhist nation, blood would run in the streets. There are more opportunities for road rage in a Bangkok city block than all California cities together.

Noise level in Bangkok? Ear splitting loud. People not only use iPods against the onslaught of sound, but wear masks as a desperate attempt to avoid black lung.

People drive on the opposite side of the road from what I'm used to, but then again, that isn't even a sure thing much of the time.

First of all, when dealing with traffic, don't expect any American rules of the road to apply.

Driving in Thailand is nothing short of tempting fate.

A recent traffic study in Bangkok concluded that 12% of the city's area would need to be paved in order to accommodate existing traffic. Currently, less than 5% of the city center is asphalted. This disparity has given rise to some interesting solutions and driving techniques. Here are just a few of the highlights:

1. The whistle blower: A policeman whose sole duty is to add to the overall three ring circus element of rush hour traffic. This policeman blows his whistle whenever traffic can exit or enter a main street at a driveway, alley or parking structure. Judging from the constant blowing, traffic ALWAYS has the right of way. This leaves pedestrians one option - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Cal, one of my traveling companions, experienced this in front of our hotel. He tried to walk past the entrance while the whistle was blowing (foolish boy!). Cars wouldn't stop and the whistle blower just blew harder and louder. Fortunately, Cal had made several temple offerings during the trip which (we believe in the Thai way) provided protection.

2. The NASCAR countdown: Traffic lights in Bangkok are unbelievably long. So long, in fact, that drivers were convinced that lights were broken. The resulting intersection chaos (worse than usual) demanded a remedy. The solution? A countdown. It goes like this:

When you pull up to the light, red numbers flash, let's say "80." As you watch, the countdown begins - - 79, 78, 77, 76 (one per second). Whenever our group was in a taxi, we couldn't resist shouting the final countdown of 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and with ONE and a hurray! we were off into the intersection. A number of cabbies got a good laugh at our enthusiasm. And we learned the term for crazy American.

3. The U-turn - This maneuver isn't entirely unfamiliar to LA drivers. When you've missed a turn, just go to the next light and turn around. The Thai concept is similar with a few interesting twists.

If you miss a turn off in Thailand (whether on the freeway or in street traffic), it is perfectly acceptable to stop - - and back up. Yes, you read me right . . . BACK UP into traffic. The first time we experienced this in a taxi on a freeway, I couldn't believe it was actually happening. I had one of those "slo-mo" moments - - a slight out-of-body experience. If traffic is too heavy to permit a back up to the missed exit, do a u-turn instead.

The u-turn is useful not only in cases of a missed exit, but often because "you can't get there from here." Numerous times we found ourselves going north in order to go south, or south to go north. After a u-turn or two, though, you miraculously find yourself going in the right direction.

For instance, in front of our hotel in Bangkok, the road was divided with no ability to turn across traffic to get into the hotel. So just drive past the hotel, make a u-turn, drive back the other way and let the whistle blower toot you in.

This practice makes maps useless - - or it maybe it is because maps are useless that u-turns work.

4. The Thai shortcut - - "I know a short cut" is a phrase that chills the heart of any tourist in a taxi. A "short cut" is just an excuse to keep driving. When stuck in Bangkok traffic, a taxi driver isn't making any money. (In New York, the meter keeps running when stopped; not in Thailand.)

So rather than kicking back and playing the game of countdown at a light, a driver will say, "short cut" and dash down a side street, alley or up along the sidewalk if necessary. This practice showed us more of Bangkok life than we ever expected.

And a short cut isn't always a short cut (obviously). Trying to get back from the weekend market, we ended up down a miniscule side street, idling behind a Land Rover at a t-intersection. The Rover couldn't turn because a Toyota truck was draining oil out of barrels in the middle of the road. Some short cut.

5. The Optional Lane a.k.a. Playing Chicken a.k.a Free for All - - Now this is an innovation that we can't even imagine working in LA on a regular basis. The optional lane is one which is supposedly dedicated to traffic flowing opposite ways at different times of day. In theory it's great. A bit like the police placing cones in front of The Hollywood Bowl to expedite the flow of traffic after an event. However . . .

In Bangkok, there are no cones, no police and the lane belongs to anyone who grabs it first no matter which way he is going. Consequently, traffic in this lane seems determined to end in head on collisions. The winner of this chicken game is usually the largest vehicle (no surprise there). So, if you choose to use the optional lane, be sure to drive behind a bus going in your direction.

6. The all time favorite - - "Monkey See, Monkey Do" In other words, if you see someone driving in a manner which is faster but out of the ordinary, it means that you can do it, too.

Case in point: The freeway from Bangkok to Pattaya was jammed with trucks and going at a crawl. Running along the road was an incomplete and unopened toll road. No problem.

One car made a dash across the dirt onto the newly laid roadway, sped past the police, dashed between concrete barriers and took off past the slowed traffic. Well, hey, if he can do it, so can we!

Over the river and through the woods doesn't even come close to the rollicking ride we had. Smokey and the Bandit without a CB radio. All was great 'til we came to a solid cement wall, stopped suddenly and got smacked from behind by another monkey doer. Got out of the car, exchanged words, back in the car and off again.

Note: In the case of an accident, insurance companies are called, and adjustors come directly to the scene. All is settled on the spot - - no lawyers required. Even in cases of severe injury, there aren't large settlements.

Modes of street transportation include cars, trucks, brightly colored taxis (easier to see in the dark), tuk-tuks (opened backed passenger trailers) and thousands of motorbikes. By the way, taxis use propane and the tanks sit in the trunk. So - - if you arrive at the airport with lots of luggage, order a van. That is unless you prefer the thrill of your possessions hanging off the back of a taxi with only a bungy cord preventing your underwear from being scattered like breadcrumbs so you can find your way back.

Another stunning sight is seeing babies and toddlers perched on a motorbikes - - no belts, no helmets. Actually, just about everyone and anything travels by motorbike - - including livestock. In Cambodia, we saw a pig catching a ride to market.

So next time I'm stuck in traffic on my way to an event, I'll remember the optional lane, wistfully with a slight tinge of terror and just hope that there's a countdown light up ahead instead.

Upcoming posts will include my interview with medium Peter Close done at his home in Thailand and my own experience with a Thai medium and a fortune teller.